Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
