In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
