He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
