My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
