dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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