Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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