Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
