Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
we should paint friendship bongs
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
