Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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