His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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