Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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