I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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