One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Vodka?
Forever.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
