If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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