Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
