Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
