At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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