So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
