it's like iHOP with fire
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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