What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
