My underwear smells like fireworks.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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