Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
