I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
