He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You may now shotgun with the bride
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
