I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
