Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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