i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
