I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
