working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
