We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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