i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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