Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
