The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
