i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
