She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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