Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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