I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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