You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
