The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
