My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Let's get the cat blown out
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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