You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
