I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
