The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
