you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
