I just saw a hot homeless man
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
