nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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