why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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