you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Randomize
