i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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