Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
