Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
