Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
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My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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