how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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