OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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