mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I love having hate sex.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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