If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
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I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
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I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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