She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
