I met the friendliest cop last night
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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