He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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