I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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